pretty butterfly ` floating in the sky :

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

So it starts again. This whole cycle. Once again I've allowed myself to slip into that phase of complacency and procrastination. Every single time I tell myself that it's not going to happen again, it happens again.

My pastor said once that if we don't get the big rocks in first, we'll never get them in. If you don't put the important things first in your life, you'll never get them in at all, once all the crazy routines of life step in to sap up all your time.

I don't want to hide, and I'm not afraid of admitting this: I haven't done quiet time for, let’s see... A few weeks...I can't even remember how long. Right now, I don't know what to think. Everything looks just fine on the outside. Everything's normal, nothing new is happening.
But that's exactly what I'm afraid of. I'm so scared of finding myself in a situation where everything's "just fine". Where nothing new ever happens...where I'm just sitting there on the couch switching from channel to channel on the telly or staring out the window and thinking about NOTHING. Because when that happens, I find myself wondering what life is all about. When that happens, I know that I'm no longer close to Jesus. No longer close.That scares me to death. There's no worse trap than the one that takes you away from the arms of Jesus. But ironically, that's the trap I often fall into.
The dumb thing is, the further I get from Him, the more I think I can wait a little longer before I come back. The worst part is when I decide that I'm doing quite ok without quiet time; when I start thinking that I like the way that things are "just normal"...
I've found myself more judgmental towards others. I inwardly judge my parents, my sisters, my friends...I judge the way the preacher talks, I judge the way things are done, both at church and at home. I judge everything and everyone but myself.

Why? Because I feel so insecure without my Solid Rock.

Once your mind is distracted from Jesus, you naturally turn your thoughts to yourself, and the question is no longer "What can I do to please my Jesus?" but rather "What can others do to please me?"

When I was spending time with Him He would tell me things about ME. Not about my mum or dad or siblings or anyone else. Just ME. And He never judged me. He just told me. And He just loved me despite my faults.

And in those quiet moments I would love those around me by praying for them, simply because His love spilled over in my heart to accommodate more than just myself, but also everyone else that He brought to my mind.

Just today I found myself wondering again for the hundredth time what the meaning to life was. What kind of question is that?! I've been saved by God, I'm His child, I live to serve Him. Why was I asking that dumb question when I knew the answer?

It was then that it hit me...that there's no meaning without intimacy. I can live my whole life through just serving Jesus and being content that I'm living for a cause...and at the end, find myself totally miserable...because I've been living for a cause that doesn't hold meaning without the ultimate ingredient: Intimacy. Intimacy, intimacy, intimacy...

What's the point of living for the One who saved my soul if I don't spend time getting to know Him? Serving Him just becomes a "duty" thing...it becomes almost like "I have to do this because I was made to serve and worship Him anyway, and because I should consider it a privilege to serve the One who redeemed me."

Yeah, when I worship I can sense His presence, and I CAN worship; but it's as though I worship from a distance. I stretch out my hands to Him in reverence, but only in reverence. Where is that adoration and closeness that I used to feel? During the times I spent being intimate with Him, worship was something I did while sitting on His lap and being absolutely covered by His sweet presence.

Head knowledge drives a person to do what he does out of a guilt conscience. Heart knowledge makes a person strain at his leash to start serving his Creator, out of love for Him that was cultivated through time spent alone with Him.

I should never have to serve in order to love...I should ALWAYS have the privilege of serving OUT OF love. Guess I forgot that...

I walked along the back alley of a row of shops today, and it was filthy and dreary. Rubbish lay everywhere. The ground was wet and dirty, and there were cockroaches running around.
I went around to the front, and into one of the shops. It was a pleasant place. Air-conditioned, with soft music playing in the background, smiling waiters and clean tables. You would never have guessed that behind all that lay that dirty, smelly, lonely alley.

It all looked very familiar to me. This whole picture of the natural was a reflection of the spiritual state of my heart. In front of everyone else it looked clean and neat. A beautiful life without any problems. But deep down I knew that I looked just like that alley. There’s so much turmoil inside now. I get irritated easily. I feel lethargic and bored throughout the day. I'm often gripped by claustrophobia, always wanting to be someplace else, always wanting to be in an open space. I'm so afraid to be alone. I'm worried about what others think of me. My self esteem is dipping. All these are clear signs that tell me I need my Jesus more than ever now to pull me out of the miry clay and set my feet back upon a rock.

I miss my Jesus so much. The further away I get, the more I need a touch from Him. A new sprinkle of fresh water to wash away all the grime and dirt and loneliness that have been accumulating over the days I forgot or just ignored the fact that I hadn't done my quiet time.

He's there. I know. Every single morning He reminds me to come to the meeting we both arranged for ever since I accepted Him into my heart. I've been choosing to ignore that gentle invitation. I've been letting Him wait for days and days. But He's never left that meeting place. I can just picture Him sitting there and waiting nevertheless for the girl whom He knew wouldn't be keeping her appointment today.

I miss my Jesus. But why is it that I can't bring myself to get down on my knees and be with Him? It's just like Ps Philip says. When you stop growing, you start dying. I've been starving myself of spiritual nourishment.

I know what Paul felt like. What he wanted to do, he didn't do. What he didn't want to do, he did. It's only by the grace of God and by determined obedience to the quiet promptings of the Holy Spirit that I can get back on my feet again.

And I'm going to do just that.

I love the fact that He remains faithful even when I am unfaithful.

Ok, so the cycle may often repeat itself, and I may find myself in the same situation again...but at least I can get up after each fall.

God gives me enough grace to do that...

If I can't have the quiet moments with Him, then I can't have the kind of life He always intended for me to have. He never intended for me to be a Martha, running around and doing things for Him. That comes second.

He made me so that I could be a Mary. The kind of person who sits at His feet and allows Him to fill her heart with all the delight and love it can hold. I think that's what pleases the heart of God most.

Gotta go now. No use talking. No time to waste. Time to get busy being still before God...

[6:27 PM]
butterfly dreams ;

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

[6:27 PM]
butterfly dreams ;